i’m a cranky bitch today. want to go buy, oh i don’t know, like some cake mix or something and lie face down it. whilst moaning.

ok, why i wonder? why? crap. i hate being moody and i hate self-pity. bleah.

my hands are somewhat better – great news. thanksgiving was fun – great news. i have family, friends and health. good. great. fabulous! so looking forward to mousefest and seeing new “old” friends in person. i just have a melancholy today that i’m dwelling on shit, feeling ugly as sin and missing things i don’t have and never did.

and if one of my friends called me and related the same, i’d listen and be supportive and understanding.

sometimes, although i’m grateful for much and have fun every day, sometimes i wonder why the FUCK am i here and what is the point? i suppose this makes me crazy, which, in turn is probably why – to quote stuart smalley - “i will die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight”. i mean, even if one decides they live in a bubble and – like i try to do – they’ll live for whatever purpose makes them happy – work, friends, family, disney! – whatever… at SOME point one requires -is that the correct word – interaction with others, right? and i’m not even getting into the whole relationship/sex thing. i’m just talking about interaction, back and forth with people other then ones-self on a regular basis. but then again you end up relying on other folks.

i know i’ve relied ALOT on some online connections this month during this whole nablopomo deal especially. it’s kind of taken on a life of its own which is 90% fantastic and 10% bad. because at some point, doesn’t looking at your computer become another version of waiting for the phone to ring? when it does, there can be an intoxication, right – people have been blogging about expecting comments with view (i dont) and watching blog stats (i do). so if whatever feedback one would like or from whomever isnt there, than, at least for me, judgement and self doubt can ensue. then i just sit here and stew and, as per usual, wonder what is wrong with me. why DO i take everything so personal – either as endorsement or insult? why not adopt the “its your problem mentality, I’m fucking FANTASTIC!!!!!! how can i just live and be happy?

and what if you are going along and suddenly read something odd or offensive even in something online? something you;ve been really liking and looking forward to seeing everyday? then what?

insert more cursing and bitching here.

the end of whatever dream i had last night was of a beautiful loft apartment near the beach on a gorgeous day with sun and wind streaming through flowing white curtains somewhere in san fransisco. i knew it was a dream due to the sun streaming in and not fog.

this has gone every which way. shocking i know! i suppose i should get up and go share my sunshine with the infirm.