one of my resolutions has already come true!

 

thanks, london!

what, me work?

i’ve been off for about 4 days.. or was it 5?

i have to go back to work tomorrow.

i need to be up and at’tem by 530 am.

i haven’t slept during the night for the last 3 nights in a row. i get in bed about 11-12, then toss and turn until 6, then sleep till 11.

tomorrow should be fun!!!

more minor irritations

i went to a church service mid thanksgiving with some family members in my grandma’s home town. in the church, various members came up after the service, scoping out the unfamiliar faces and being very welcoming. as we parted, i was shaking hands with one older lady and wished her happy holidays! she held my hand tighter and responded “oh honey, in HERE we can say “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” sort of with a nod and a wink, as if “happy holidays” is like saying “let’s go sacrifice a goat before dinner!” IT WASN’T EVEN THANKSGIVING YET. I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE A WISH FOR HAPPY HOLIDAYS AS A SLIGHT TO YOUR CHRISTIAN WAYS.

additionally, i am reminded from time to time, that this dude i once knew, who, after nearly ruining his marriage and family relations apparently for no reason, hasfound jesus – i am sure to the relief of his jesus loving family whom he had nothing but legitimate sounding complaints about way back in the day. well, bully for you i say. but isn’t it weird when you hear people you thought you knew sort of well, who seemed to share views similar to your own, suddenly become bible thumpers, telling people that the bible is their favorite book and reminding all of “the reason for the season”? i guess i do question the “sudden conversions” of folks i’ve known, but then, that’s really none of my beeswax. AND THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!  that’s all i’m sayin’.:)

well, i don’t begrudge anyone their beliefs and if people find salvation in god or religion or whatever, good for them! just remember that folks around you, in church next to you even, may believe the same as you, but may have respect or concern for others around them in not shouting merry christmas constantly to everyone. christians aren’t the only ones with holidays this time of the year and, i am guessing that reasons for celebration might not all include the birth of baby jesus.

i am a xmas ex-pat

i think i’ve figured it out. it came to me this morning on a walk with the creature. i worked last night, and, though i technically have xmas off, in true “once a night shift nurse, always a night shift nurse” (it’s been like 10 years already – please!!!), i was awake and tossing and turning until, oh, about 630am. slept a bit, walked the dog.

might i just add here that the entire floor of my apartment smelled like delicious bacon-y breakfasts – which is pure evil and hateful on the part of every singleperson who lives here – and that drove me to get in my car, convinced that there has to be a store open SOMEWHERE. well, barring the rite aid (making a killing today and without any sausage like items in the freezer section) there is not.

so i am sort of in my usual xmas hole. or cave. i am hoping i come out tomorrow – maybe like groundhog’s day. it’s not a sad hole – i am always trying to describe that to folks when there is a discussion raised about the holidays, what are you doing blah blah blah… i’ve got a little bit to explain to folks, parents dead, family far away, no kids, usually work, love thanksgiving, all is well… but it does kind of sound sad and i guess i do feel somewhat like an outsider. and that lead me to label it my christmas ex-pat status.

think about it – it kinda fits: i’m a stranger in a strange land – not horrified or envious of your celebrations, just kind of enjoying what fits me and maybe looking for some like minded folks at the pub to tip a guiness to and laugh at how noone here knows wtf arbor day is all about!

in any event, i think its probably an unrecognized christmas tradition everywhere that starting tomorrow, people have a little more fun and a bit less stress. the present thing and getting places and hectic cooking schedules are usually done with and now comes playing with toys, hanging out, eating left overs, watching movies and actually laying on the couch and just watching the tree lights twinkle and fire flicker. that was my favorite back in the day. so i am hoping, and it usually goes, that starting tomorrow i feel less panicky and separated, and more a part of and wanting to be so.

as it stands now, i’ve got 17 – yup – 17 unheard messages on my cell phone from about tuesday on. i know, i suck. i did call mamie and poppa, donna and the guy today. i texted my brother and some east coast pals and then became blah and lost enthusiasm for further texting. i am horrible i know, and there were reams of words written by me, here even, about how i was going to be better in contact with these far flung family members whom i do deeply love and cherish and who all manage to do wonderful things for me and for whom i completely blow it and hide for december and then slowly reemerge with mouthfuls of meaningless mea culpas.

wow. that’s kinda fucked up.

ah well, bah humbug i say. but not really. i just, well, i don’t know. from way back when, i have been the go into the cave person, and, like i said, i hope to soon emerge. and i know i suck. and if i could quit concentrating on that part, i’d probably get shit done on time, but yeah, i haven’t gotten quite that far on the old therapy dime.

as a side note, with my glassy, red eyes and non-sleep head ache, i decided to watch some movies and found something that seemed kind of scary on TV – which i enjoy but i don’t want to ge too scared when you live alone after all – and then, wouldn’t you know it – obligatory scary little kid with freaky eyes and blue face attacks out of the corner. apparently no sleep again tonite.

santa help!

i shouldn’t be doing this at the last moment, but here’s what i want for christmas:

• somebody to come and wash maggie’s butt – which is now stinky and will involve some kind of limb risking trickery tonite to get it clean again… waaahhhh!!!!!!!
• somebody help me clean up this dumb laptop! there has got to be a relatively simple way (and by that i mean something i can do that can be explained over the phone or via email) that can make this piece of you know what run quicker without – and this is key- just doing the delete and reinstall deal. it’s not resistance to the time involved, but rather, that i do not know and cannot find the password mr. nerdherd used the one time i had someone help me set up my wireless router. i KNOW i saved it and i KNOW it is some iteration of, like, my initials and birthdate, but so help me god, i don’t know what it is..
• why can’t there be a simple freeware program to put together a simple slide show and music type movie that is then upload-able to youtube and such? i bought this stupid thing from arcsoft like a year ago, which, of course comes with no manual really, because nothing does anymore and i always have a hard time following manual type things on computer windows and such they are not helpful. i finally made an actual little slideshow, and this stupid thing only saves it as some kind of .sbz file which seems to be unconvertible to, say an avi or wav file. icing on the cake is that i realized today that one of my little freeware file converters that i use for some of the podcasting file needs is made by the same stupid company. you suck!
• santa’s elves to come clean my house
• oh, and world peace 

it’s not that i’m feeling “grinchy”…

it’s just that i’m feeling un-christmas-y. i felt christmas-y at disneyworld, sorta, i mean surrounded by some of the ornaments and all, it’s just that, like most years, i am not really with family on christmas or whatnot. and though last year i had a sort of burst of energy to drag out my very fabulous white christmas tree with ever changing light display, this year i look about my piles of crap amassed everywhere… meh! what a mess!

it’s been a great year, or rather, it’s ending up to be a great year, and i must say that i am somewhat embarrassed to be receiving xmas cards and gifts almost everyday from family and friends. i say embarrassed becasue i am so damn bad about getting organized and planning for christmas that i have all but given up on doing xmas cards and can barely get things out when ordered online to the few folks i exchange gifts with regularly. it just seems to sneak up on you, christmas does. it’s like since all the crap goes up in the stores bfore thanksgiving and all, i kind of tune it out because i think “oh, it’s months till christmas!” when i got home from my vacation, i remarked to my pal donna that it was like 3 weeks till christmas and she said, um, its next thursday. fuck.

so, on the eve of the eve, i’m kind of having a little pity party melt down. i was SUPPOSED to be doing better at being in contact with my family and friends – whom i love! i was SUPPOSED to be not flailing about last minute for remembrances for those people who mean a lot to me. i was SUPPOSED to have lost that effing 10 pounds by now – wait..that’s for another list…

so i am sitting here staring at my computer, ready to throw it against a wall – it’s running so damn slow and annoys the hell out of me and i am sure it’s the result of  random internet crap on my computer that i could somehow remove, but defragging and emptying files don’t seem to help. i have a few days off about this holiday and a laundry list of honey-dos (yes, i am the honey) and i am doing none of it.

i should be running 82 miles right now! arg!

oh, final random thought – doesn’t every random VW bug you have ever sat in – regardless of it’s age and it’s owner – smell exactly the same? kind of plastic-y and diesel-y and VW-y?

i tried out some punctuation for you today. you’re welcome.