fine. i have issues

i have been to my mans actual home one time. one time. yes you have read that correctly. we do not currently reside in the same city. he has been here several times, we have met on other common ground several times (over the last YEAR!!?? HELLO!!!), but i have only hauled my happy ass out there once. i am going back in just about a month, for just about a week.

i am already redecorating his entire home. not picturing his/hers towels, or someday throwing out that covered wagon coffee table (yes, that ugly, roy rogers one).

i am knocking down walls. i am dreaming up color schemes. i am turning spare bedroom into a walk in closet. i’m picturing the perfect built in to both house the soon to be purchased humungo plasma covered proton beaming flat screen TV and our prodigious collectible collections.I AM IMAGINING THE BEST PLACEMENT FOR FRENCH DOORS FROM THE MASTER SUITE THAT OPEN UP INTO THE BACK YARD.

dear sweet baby jesus. its sick. it is a sickness. i so miss being a homeowner that the mere suggestion of permency sends me completely for a loop.  i have checked out home improvement books from the library. i will drive my man away with my incessant need to gut and refinish everything in my path.

odds and ends

• just got back from a kickin’ vacation
• now it’s time to prepare for a friends visit! i can’t wait – just over a week to shower, shampoo and shine this place up! woot!
• the bunny project? all the peeps wuz gone this morning…. sigh
• maggie went to the doctor this morning for her annual physical and immunizations…. clean bill of health, more clomicalm and a bill more than me and the guy spent at a fancy dinner the other night. with me drinking wine!!!
• back on weight watchers as of yesterday. i felt like a huge, funky cow all during my trip… sigh. though that is kind of an insult to cows! haha! seriously, i was uncomfortable and all my summer clothes were tight. arg! so here’s to making changes and gettin’ back to my fightin’ weight!

lazy sunday

so… it’s a lazy sunday, what can i say. i am completely laying around and watching a weeks worth of tivo’d shows and beating myself up for NOT being, like, running or something right now.

sigh. i have a fantabulous trip coming up a week from today – woot! very excited!!!! however, there are still some things i am struggling with. i continue to beat myself up over my post surgical weight gain and my inability to take action to fix it. its brought more to the fore as i try to pack for a trip to warmer climes. on top of that, i am still having pain in my neck/shoulder/back.

arg.

i will go to my second appt with my pain doc tuesday. i was very optimistic after our first meeting – the doc and facility are very nice – but the proposed regimen has really not made any appreciable difference in my book. i want to feel better. i want to not wake up and think “oh, my shoulder/neck are achy”. i still think this is doable. but my stepped back rehab exercises are perhaps making me a bit more uncomfortable, and i don’t think this nerve pain specific medication is doing anything.

that whole situation does indeed leave me down and, though ain’t nothing wrong with my body from C7 down, instead of walking, running or something, i just feel kind of defeated and cranky about the ongoing discomfort. and slightly worried that this could be it given that my neck injury was fairly significant and went on for longer than i knew, increasing the potential for long term symptoms…

but that’s a shadow fear. i don’t really believe that’s where i am definitely headed, but its my worst case scenario. so, i sit here and hope my honey won’t think me a huge cow this sunday and that i can please just fit into all my clothes.

and not eat everything between now and then.

i can’t sleep tonite

and i am not terribly shocked by this fact – i have a semi eventful day tomorrow (today, now, actually):

• have been to the vet with maggie. she’s due for a teeth cleaning, which involves a general anesthetic, and this is going to be combined with a head to toe(s) body shave down – given that her last ejection from the groomer was mid hairdo and she has the craziest haircut ever right now. and she’s matted. and she can barely see between her overly long dog bangs and gunky hair around her eyes. its bordering on neglectful, seriously. she also has been started on “doggie prozac” aka clomicalm. this is touted as a medication for separation anxiety, which wouldn’t exactly be maggie’s diagnosis, as far as i am concerned, but its the closest thing to a mood altering drug out there and is supposed to NOT turn her into a drooling lump. we are on day 4, it’ll probably take a good month to assess if it is going to be of help in her fear/aggression issues. as an anesthesia provider, i know that anesthesia is safe, but also know that “no one” is as anal as i, and i just want her well monitored. i have confidence at the vet office we are going to. i drop her off at ~8, they’ll call me in the afternoon when she’s done and awake – hell, she’ll be 10 years younger (where do i sign up)…
• i then am returning to my surgeons office for a follow up. its been just over 6 months since my surgery, and, though i wouldn’t say i am having a setback, and i am generally very pleased with my results, lately, my “need” for the muscle relaxants and pain meds have increased, despite trying to be active and RTC tylenol. mid january, something seemed to crick in my neck and i am back to coating myself in ben gay patches every week. the surgeons office has continued refilling my meds, i had called them about that – i think mid november – and they reassured me that, yes, that’s what i should be doing, but, to my abject horror, i put in for a refill a week ago, and realized i had taken quite a bit more medicine over like 3 weeks then i had in a while and i worry that they now think i am a druggie. i worry that i am a druggie! (my meds are potentially addicting – i am sure both physically and/or psychologically – but non-narcotic). the pills don’t make me “feel” high, and thats no excuse for pounding them, which i don’t think i do, but i do think that since i don’t “feel” drugged, i don’t have qualms about taking them and maybe thats a problem too. so, given that i work with and adore my surgeon, i have a terrible feeling in my gut (my catholic guilt likes to pop up from time to time) that i am in “trouble”. in fact, its great that i am being seen, i suspect i may be referred to a pain specialist, which will be fine, so long as it is not the same practice who gave me prozac at the height of my discomfort last march when it turned out i had a severely herniated disc….
• as i lay awake, dozing in and out, i’m making mental lists of podcasting topics and emails i should be sending and organizing ASAP for the show. i have just brewed some sleepy time tea, taken 2 benedryl and am going to return to bed. i’ve got a note book there and may jot down some things, but i don’t want to continue to sit here at the computer or i will never get to sleep and completely LOOK the part of crazy, drug addict woman at the doctors tomorrow.
• valentines day is this weekend. my guy doesn’t regulary read my blog, though i wont say much about what i have done/planned for him, but i am anxious about his surprises and if he will like them and what our future may be and if i am capable of a long term relationship. in the words of stuart smaley “i’m afraid i’ll die homeless and peniless and 20# overweight”

but that’s just stinkin’ thinkin’! so time to get back in bed and at least try to rest. i’m off for 2 days now, work 2, then the weekend and the big VD….. have to clean and make this place presentable as the guy is coming to my abode for the first time. OMG WHAT IF WE ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER WITH THE HUBBUB AND DISTRACTION OF WDW????????

 

i don’t think that is the case at all, but, you know, i always need something to fret about.