the plan

so.

i need surgery on my neck. and need is a relative term, i realize, there are some who would definitely hold off or try many more conservative treatments to avoid surgery of any kind at any cost. maybe i SHOULD be more stand off-ish about getting it done. or seek a second opinion. or refuse and try something else.

honestly, i feel like it is what has been going on with me. i know there are risks but i also feel extrememly confident about my choice of surgeon. had i just moved out here, not knowing anyone, or had i had this MRI done a year ago and it did indeed indicate that there was some kind of problem, well, then i would have done and tried the more conservative means.

and i feel, actually, like i have tried things. i have been having massage. running to the doctors office. a brief course of muscle relaxers last march. tons of naprosyn, ibuprofen and tylenol. oh, and the course of anti-depressants meds when my upset-edness over my seemingly chronic pain path development and of course, my personal fave, the ben gay patch. and i have tried both limiting and increasing my activity.

and my MRI is crappy. and my discomfort is worse. and i am taking some muscle relaxants currently, continuing tylenol and just completed a steroid dose pack. and my doc did give me pain medicine of the prescriptive nature. which, i might add, i took with abandon last week when i was off work. and it hasn’t really helped. i mean, i am not rolling around the floor in agony or anything like that, but my right arm is always uncomfortable. if i could get someone to carry my head and arm around for me, i would be ecstatic. and that upsets me, in addition to the 8 pounds i gained like over fucking night last week, is the fact that i am not feeling any better. i can’t say i am worse, and i know my surgeon would express concern if i didn’t immediately alert him if i had any change for the worse in my symptoms, but, jesus. i just cannot believe that given all those chemicals (and i am sure some of you out there would say “aha! chemicals! THATS why you feel crappy!!!!”), i cannot be at the very least TRICKED into feeling better in the short term.

i do not want to be getting 50% pay and then 25% pay during my disabilty term – but PRAISE ALLAH that i have disability insurance. and though there are exercises i can do (need to reaquaint myself to the eliptical starting tomorrow) i want to restart my life ASAP.

i am GOING to run the disney half marathon this january. i am GOING to row again before the season is over. i am NOT going to be thinking and/or worrying about what is hurting me and if it will get worse over the next years of my life.

i had already decided – my 40s are the year of the jock.

and i am the jock. i want to do stuff, get ripped (ok, at least cut for like 2 weeks once). i want abs. and biceps. and that gidget personality of “hey! let’s go play volleyball!!” that i HAVE had all my life but been to hard on myself to let out when i was a teen.

so i am going for it. tentative date – august 11th. one level fusion with instrumentation. anterior approach (i pray). i THINK i can stay 2 nights in the hospital, then i will have to have someone in town cart me home. but i really think i can be home alone after. i can’t drive though. but i will get organized, and where i live, there are a lot of resources nearby. and i do have family and friends that are already offering to pitch in, so, if there were any complications or what not, i have back up. but honestly, i know i can manage this.

am i being to optimistic?

need to vent

having a momentary freak out over the whole neck surgery thing. seems to me like doing the first week of september gives me time to mentally prepare for 6 weeks off, round up any elves i might need to give me a hand and allows me to work the current work schedule “as is” and not throw work into slight upheaval as well.

called the surgeons office just to clarify some things (what is the operation i need again? heh. and tell me again what exercise and activity limitations exactly i should be following until surgery). and my surgeon called me back – i really like him! – and the end of his message was that he was sure the dates in september – EARLY september i want to emphasize – will work for his office, but, it is my SPINAL CORD  that is at RISK.

ok. that just sucks, that little emphasis there at the end. i have talked briefly to work, in the business office, and they are extremely supportive, but i just wasn’t prepared for all this and so soon! so i am waiting to hear back from the scheduler to just hear what the earliest appointment is.

OBVIOUSLY, i have been having a lot of pain and discomfort and i do have respect for my health and know that my health is a number one priority. and i guess, the sooner i get it done, the sooner i can resume that activities i enjoy in my personal life as well.

it is sounding like NO running, NO rowing, NO yoga, nothing upper body or head turning. i suggested swimming but even freestyle stroke he didn’t sound thrilled with.  crud.

at this point, again, i am not even thinking about nor concerned with the risks of surgery itself per se, its all the personal life stuff and not working. luckily, i do have health insurance and a great short disability policy that will allow me some income during the 6 weeks i have to be off.

i just was NOT expecting this at all!!! and that damn MRI! did i mention it looked scary to me????!!!! arg!!!!

so i guessed wrong

well, turns out the MRI thingy was a done deal. at least as far as the diagnosis goes. i need surgery, sooner rather than later. crud!

i’m a medical person, but when a doc holds shows you an MRI and YOU can see whats wrong without them pointing at a little speck somewhere, lets just say that sucks. wah wah wahhhh.

my immediate concern is what this is going to do to the rest of my year and my running program. and rowing. and my cruise.

i REALLY wasn’t expecting the news i got. RATS!!! i am a bit discombobulated, but just from the suprise.

probably, when my arms started hurting almost a year ago, was when i injured my neck and that was really apparently the time for the conservative measures approach. my waxing and waning symptoms are somewhat textbook for the herniation and single level spinal cord compression i am apparently experiencing. all easily fixable and i am basically healthy.

i guess there is no good time for unplanned medical semi-emergencies.

and doggone it! people like me!!

 

so last thursday was really a hit/miss kind of day. the PT appt? the relief and answers i have been pursuing since, oh, i don’t know, last august? well, guess what? there are apparently like 18 related hand centers under the same hospital name and i magically went to the wrong one, not knowing there was more that one. huzzah! so, no appointment. fine. i’m kind of done with that whole tangent anyway. i am continuing the naprosyn, mostly because i STILL have this freaky crick in my neck, but i am going to minimize use of my extremeties (hands? i don’t need no stinking hands!!) as i can, do some PT i am finding on the internets and go back to my PCP if need be.

so i missed that one, decided to go to the library instead and checked out a bunch of good books about website building and holistic doggy health. side note of a book related nature, i finally cracked open the “eat pray love” that every woman over 27 is carrying around after seeing the author on oprah last fall and it isn’t bad. very readable. perfect for later today when i plan to lie on the terrace with a cocktail and reading materials.

did go meet the therapist that was aforementioned. i made a return appt., unsure how well there will be a click, but i definitely “know” that “here i sit in therapy” feeling – which i like – and i was feeling it. first meetings, as in any situation, can be so awkward, especially in this type of situation as you are trying to feel each other out and yet probably wanting to barf up every time your mom dressed you funny and have the therapist go “that’s terrible! you poor poor righteous misunderstood individual!”. note – this RARELY happens. also, the neighborhood in which this persons office is reminds me deeply in my protoplasm of mill valley, california – my home sweet home.

work was so long last night that i wanted to gouge out my very eyes. it had a few exciting moments however. let’s just say that it’s all fun and games until your ligated femoral artery pops open. then fun and excitement ensues! i am working today for part of the day at the beauty job and again monday. it’s exciting that i am getting the repeat clients and that people like me (they really like me). i may finally strt making a little $$ too!

one more week to go then wahoo! i still have that dang derby day blocked off and i haven’t done a damn thing about it. anybody wanna come over? i need to get on that this weekend. i can whip some good down home vittles up pretty easy (no burgoo though). i’ve also got folks from california to boston to DC to indiana and kentucky inviting me to come out and visit. i want to – my concern right now is crazy maggie – i need to get her a follow up vet appt. and there is NO WAY she can jump up and down out of my car and we are trying to work on manners at home right now. i think i can make one shorter trip so i will have to work on that. and there could pop up an airfare that could be a deal or something and just let my poppa come pick me up! then again – the weather is suddenly fantastic – and did you know??? I LIVE BY THE OCEAN. YES THE OCEAN. oh ya and that guy who rubs me. mmmmmmmmmm….. lets see: car ride/grandparents/gas prices V. ocean/sunshine/day after day of full body massage from beautiful yet professional man.  oh yeah i miss my grandparents but…..

hey listen – any pals i know wanna come visit? i got an extra, somewhat dog scented, guest room – you get your own bath too! come help me organize my closets and work on my html/music mixing capabilities. also you could probably get in with john “magic fingers” the masseur across the street! and probably watch a lot of law & order, SVU! and wonder pets! and answer my phone to find out who keeps calling me – i know it isn’t anyone i WANT to be calling (cause they would definitely leave messages!!!!!!).

 alright i should probably get up – didn’t get home till after midnight last night – beautiful full moon, no?

odds and ends

this morning i am waking up with a couple of things on my mind that even i am not going to blog about. in the blogging world, i don’t think i would rank super high on the TMI scale (zit and period not withstanding), but even i have my limits. in some ways, it would be interesting to have an anonymous blog, because i would really let all the weirdness come out. unlike now, hehe. there is a particular relationship issue i struggle with from time to time that i always am looking for advice on, but i don’t think i will be chatting about it here.

it is time to get up and get moving! busy day ahead:

• appointment with the hand surgeon – no, that whole pain issue did not go away, although i am MUCH better than the freak out i posted last month, i do believe there is something going on with me and my hands, but my biggest worry is that he is going to just look at me blankly and say that i am crazy.
• mailing store: unfortunately, as per usual, there is a pile of christmas items on my dining room table that need to be mailed out. well, folks will have neat-o ornaments for NEXT year!
• mani/pedi – that crazy mickey mouse pedicure has outlasted it’s cuteness
• various errands

also of note, i’m out on the fantasy football. i hate that dang game. my zit is ebbing like the tide. maggie is staring at me eating a PB&J sammich. at least her begging is silent and soulful. it is all in the eyes.

today i am worried

i am struggling today for something to post. i have been trying to jot a few things down each night, then double check in the morning right when i wake up and post’em. i worry that if i don’t lay something down first thing, i’ll forget and not post by pure accident!

it’s not that i don’t have any ideas, it’s that right now it is almost 11pm, and i will wake up about 5am to double check this before i do all my morning stuff (ie; lay in bed and check my websites, scowl at the clock, wonder what the temp is outside). so basically, i’m ready for bed and my arms are hurting so i don’t have the time to:

1. comment on the oprah’s favorite things show – didn’t she say she wasn’t doing those anymore? i tried to google last years list and didn’t find one like the previous years, yet i don’t have time to research more. my first thought was she didn’t have one last year and now that she is getting maybe a little bit of bad publicity, it reappears. but i am cynical that way. and could she just apologize to every fat person she self-righteously clucked at over the last year or two. please. and josh groban – don’t get me started.
2. write more about my arms – heinous pain has diminished – wearing braces – got some drugs last night on the way home from work and the vicodin at least took the edge off last night.   appt. with the hand surgeon december 20th.
3. just made a brine for the turkey. made the mousse part of the white chocolate tiramisu trifle i am serving thursday (see cover of bon appetit this month). boiling gibbles for gibble juice (if you read this you know what that is!).
4. my house apartment is a disaster.
5. i want to comment about chubbercheekers great post today.
6. some person on nablopomo wrote that essentially people should comment everytime they view a blog. i think thats dumb.
7. mousefest is like less than 2 weeks away! OMG!!!!
8. i haven’t kissed a boy in 1800 fortnights. i have no idea how long that actually is, but it seems like eternity.
9. i like turtles.
10. my insane, mauling dog, maggie is barking her head off and i would like to put a teeny tiny cork right in her snoot. if it would SHUT HER UP!!!!!!

my arms hurt now. beddy bye time.