i’m good enough, i’m smart enough…

ug. what a day. there is a lot to go on. i continue to be happy and relieved that maggie is definitely her old self. she has intuited that her toys are in the closet in the spare room where we spend most of our time and she feels so much better that she just wants to bark at the door and scuff her heels and try and trick me into playing with her. i will not fall for it. my plan is to continue to confine her to small areas, make it impossible for her to hop on and off furniture and limit walks as advised. i need to make an appointment with a regular vet to get her in next week. i will continue her anti-inflammatory but taper the pain med as instructed.

i have to go to the hand PT people. i have an appt. at 1pm today. i have no idea if anything they say will be helpful, as i am not sure i am going to continue with the office that referred me there. but given that i use my arms and hands for so many work and extracurricular activities, i think any assessment or advice cannot hurt. actually – not sure i mentioned this – but my doc gave me some muscle relaxers for my neck pain and between that (which seem very mild to me, like i heard that they make you all spacey and crazy, but i haven’t experienced that with this Rx) – but since i have taken them sporadically over the last few days, my arms generally feel much better.

i also have a try out with a therapist this afternoon – we shall see how that goes. i’ve done therapy on and off over, gosh, the last 15 years maybe. i had some issues with self image/eating disorders if you will in my twenties, if that ever really goes away, my thirties was when i lost my mother, my step dad and the anniversary of my fathers death. the last turn i did was a few months before i moved to virginia, just to kind of help me sort through the move, making a good decision, etc. wait – i forgot one! i tried a “life coach” after i moved here, kind of a personal growth thing, but it wasn’t a connection so much, although i am sure that provider probably puts on some outstanding group work shops. so now this time whats wrong? nothing and everything i guess. i mean its that dramatic and it isn’t. i just go through times when i can fixate on stuff and i really focus on patterns that i perceive as negative. i want to work on acceptance. true acceptance of me and where i am at, what it is i want and deserve. no specific trauma per se. i don’t know. we’ll see. mostly i know that i am a person that needs to “talk it out” and sometimes, when i get anxious, i know i can wear people out with my churnings. and there has been a lot of change recently in my friend arena, change i hope and know will settle and smooth out. i have to remember that change can often have to do with “THEM” and can be more a reflection of “THEM” than it is of me. i realized yesterday that my role in the world is to try and follow my heart and do honest by my friends, lovers (throwing that plural in there in a hopeful manner!!)  and family. that’s all i can do. how other people react, interpret or misinterpret is their deal. i know my heart and i think i need some help to remind myself that i am ok and that what i have to offer and put out there, if honestly from my heart and self, is good and without malice.

the thing about me is this – i get down, i feel good. the constant in my life is me. i’ve got friends and family but i know they are important, but i do have to rely on myself and sometimes it feels like too much and it is tiring. i mean, i would love to have a partner, but i hope if i ever do find myself in a long term partnership, there will be that support, but not total rescue and excusing or rescuing and excusing (constantly) required by them from me. though i know relationships are work and a “decision” to a certain extent, i need there to be more than just time and a decision. i am greatly heartened this week by the support flowing from the wonderful on-line community i have become apart of. and i know that i have so much potential and ability ahead of me and in me. once again i have to work to quiet the voices – really my own self doubt – that i attribute to those outside of me whose approval i seek. whose endorsement i fool myself into thinking matters. i go up and down and it DOES matter how people perceive you in the world, but i KNOW my intentions and i KNOW what is in my heart and what i have and have not done. i am going to find a way to keep my inner keel more even. more confident. and dammit, i’m going to stop hiding my light if you will. i’m going to beam it out there because thats just me and well, put on your sunglasses, cause i don’t want ya to get blinded, but if you get caught like a deer in the headlights – NOT MY PROB!!! 😉



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