learn to let go, lisa

your heart/emotions letting go of something is different than your ego letting it go. that is so dumb. and so dumb about me. actually, i haven’t been spending more than, say, 5% of my relative time giving it conscious thoughts, and then – wham! something sets me off and gets me boiling!!!

let me provide, as a friend used to say, a little cup o’ clarity: people do dumb things all the time. i do completely ridiculous things a lot. things i later go “omg- why did i do that!” and try to channel the dalai lama or something. on the whole, i am not a rash or angry person, but, the interesting thing about getting older, especially when you havespent your life as a somewhat passiveperson – or let’s say not someone who voices their opinions a lot in situations where it seems moot, that passive/aggressive thing can become more and more your style. NOT that that is a vast improvement, but one day, you are standing in line at the grocery store and the two clerks, talking about how crazy they are going to get at tonites party, who don’t even acknowledge that they are now ringing up someone elses’s groceries and all YOU do all day is work in a service profession, well…. my BP goes sky high!!!! you snap!  oooommmmmmm….

in personal situations, things end or change – and that is sometimes sad or heart breaking OR sometimes an actual HUGE big relief. there are always many layers to any situation, on every side and to assume that the ability to forgive, but NOT forget MUST be rolled into some kind of unrequited love or obsession or covetousness is not correct. i mean it could be i guess, it would depend on the situation. but a lot of times, i find myself so super frustrated with the “rightness” of a situation. it seems like, just once in my life, could someone else just do what they promised, in the way they promised? and that doesn’t mean “do what I want you to do”. bitter, no? well, maybe. but it pisses me off. and it isn’t a pissed-off ness that is proportional to the situation, i know, and that isn’t fair. but – and my mother did nick name me “norma rae” – the unfairness, the walk-awayness, the “all my ducks are back in order, who gives a bloody g-d about yours” – i’m done with it. from anyone. for everyone. everywhere!

problem is, of course, all those juices are burbling with in me and if i am upset, by definition, that would be bad for me, righteous anger or no. and i’m trying to figure that out for myself right now. which is why some of my posts are very whiny. after all, whining is just anger coming out of a very small opening (stuart smalley). and i am angry. about several things. MOSTLY about why do i believe people? ever? why do I ASSUME people are telling me the truth? as one might assume, a lot of these situations are man related, so that begs the question – why do i feel i should suck up every spare crumb of attention? and when i AM just going along, being me, living my life, i get this: i have been asked out on like, say 4 dates over the last 5 months. every guy – MARRIED. yeah – you read that right. and it isn’t that i even went out with them. i didn’t. it’s just a stunning statement to me. is that how guys are? is that what i put out there? so i am bitter and dateless and pissed off as hell. because apparently thats what i have come down too. fan-fucking-tastic. well then so be it. i am trying to recognize and take responsibility for my shit. its the letting go of all the others who DO NOT that i struggle with. i can only control me. i can “control” (i don’t like that exact word), but i have some control over how i respond. i should never take the bait. but after like 40 effing years of not taking the bait, i’m done. you ask me to do something, i’ll try. i may fail miserably. but – wow- i ask YOU to do something and YOU CAN’T BE EFFIN’ BOTHERED. no, in fact people need to go waaaaaayyyy out of their way to toss their shit in MY face. THANK YOU. if the situation were different, it would never be going down like that. wow. i am still pissed. and no, i am NOT ready to make nice – BUT, as the song goes, i sleep like a baby, i’vedone nothing wrong and i am going to try try try and learn self forgiveness too. 

but apparently if i have any concerns or feelings about something after like 2 weeks, I am the crazy one. a stalker for just pondering it. a loon. a nut. an old bitter 40 something loser. but allll the people who go on pretending like things are fine, whatever, no. they are great. its ALL me. i created every problem, instigated every bad situation.

rush limbaugh? he’s funny! acid wash jeans? yes. lion king? absolutely. sound track? yes. 

or most pointedly: “i just wanna have kids, i don’t wanna rock the boat”.

or maybe i will go randomly pinch somebody in the grocery store. or kick something. i suppose i will go running now – that ALWAYS cheers me up. HA

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