lisfarry.wordpress.com

the plan

so.

i need surgery on my neck. and need is a relative term, i realize, there are some who would definitely hold off or try many more conservative treatments to avoid surgery of any kind at any cost. maybe i SHOULD be more stand off-ish about getting it done. or seek a second opinion. or refuse and try something else.

honestly, i feel like it is what has been going on with me. i know there are risks but i also feel extrememly confident about my choice of surgeon. had i just moved out here, not knowing anyone, or had i had this MRI done a year ago and it did indeed indicate that there was some kind of problem, well, then i would have done and tried the more conservative means.

and i feel, actually, like i have tried things. i have been having massage. running to the doctors office. a brief course of muscle relaxers last march. tons of naprosyn, ibuprofen and tylenol. oh, and the course of anti-depressants meds when my upset-edness over my seemingly chronic pain path development and of course, my personal fave, the ben gay patch. and i have tried both limiting and increasing my activity.

and my MRI is crappy. and my discomfort is worse. and i am taking some muscle relaxants currently, continuing tylenol and just completed a steroid dose pack. and my doc did give me pain medicine of the prescriptive nature. which, i might add, i took with abandon last week when i was off work. and it hasn’t really helped. i mean, i am not rolling around the floor in agony or anything like that, but my right arm is always uncomfortable. if i could get someone to carry my head and arm around for me, i would be ecstatic. and that upsets me, in addition to the 8 pounds i gained like over fucking night last week, is the fact that i am not feeling any better. i can’t say i am worse, and i know my surgeon would express concern if i didn’t immediately alert him if i had any change for the worse in my symptoms, but, jesus. i just cannot believe that given all those chemicals (and i am sure some of you out there would say “aha! chemicals! THATS why you feel crappy!!!!”), i cannot be at the very least TRICKED into feeling better in the short term.

i do not want to be getting 50% pay and then 25% pay during my disabilty term – but PRAISE ALLAH that i have disability insurance. and though there are exercises i can do (need to reaquaint myself to the eliptical starting tomorrow) i want to restart my life ASAP.

i am GOING to run the disney half marathon this january. i am GOING to row again before the season is over. i am NOT going to be thinking and/or worrying about what is hurting me and if it will get worse over the next years of my life.

i had already decided – my 40s are the year of the jock.

and i am the jock. i want to do stuff, get ripped (ok, at least cut for like 2 weeks once). i want abs. and biceps. and that gidget personality of “hey! let’s go play volleyball!!” that i HAVE had all my life but been to hard on myself to let out when i was a teen.

so i am going for it. tentative date – august 11th. one level fusion with instrumentation. anterior approach (i pray). i THINK i can stay 2 nights in the hospital, then i will have to have someone in town cart me home. but i really think i can be home alone after. i can’t drive though. but i will get organized, and where i live, there are a lot of resources nearby. and i do have family and friends that are already offering to pitch in, so, if there were any complications or what not, i have back up. but honestly, i know i can manage this.

am i being to optimistic?

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4 Comments

  1. Not only are you NOT being overly optimistic – your attitude is the PERFECT one for your situation.

    You’ve made a decision – and you’re using the strength of that decision to spur further action and change in your life.

    You’re looking at this and saying: “Not only will I overcome this – but then I’ll start overcoming that, and that, and that too because I’m hella strong and ready to kick ass!” (Please forgive my use of the word “hella”)

    I’m proud of you!

  2. None of us really can know exactly what’s coming next in our lives, surgery or not. But it seems to me that there is every reason to hope for the best, and work towards that end. You have resources you can fall back on if you need them, but there’s no reason to start out on the assumption that this will be the case.

    Optimism is a beautiful thing!

  3. Jeff W

    Jonathan uses the word “strength” above. I would say that judging by the side of you that you share here, on your other blogs, and on the podcast you do have a certain stength that shows through in your character.

    Stay positive and don’t hesitate to lean on your friends if you need too.

    Now I need to write an email to Dichter about that Gwen Stefani reference…

  4. Jeff W

    stength? what does that mean? you have a certain stength hmmmmm oh strength yes that was the word I ment. See, I told you I need spell check…

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