i need surgery on my neck. and need is a relative term, i realize, there are some who would definitely hold off or try many more conservative treatments to avoid surgery of any kind at any cost. maybe i SHOULD be more stand off-ish about getting it done. or seek a second opinion. or refuse and try something else.
honestly, i feel like it is what has been going on with me. i know there are risks but i also feel extrememly confident about my choice of surgeon. had i just moved out here, not knowing anyone, or had i had this MRI done a year ago and it did indeed indicate that there was some kind of problem, well, then i would have done and tried the more conservative means.
and i feel, actually, like i have tried things. i have been having massage. running to the doctors office. a brief course of muscle relaxers last march. tons of naprosyn, ibuprofen and tylenol. oh, and the course of anti-depressants meds when my upset-edness over my seemingly chronic pain path development and of course, my personal fave, the ben gay patch. and i have tried both limiting and increasing my activity.
and my MRI is crappy. and my discomfort is worse. and i am taking some muscle relaxants currently, continuing tylenol and just completed a steroid dose pack. and my doc did give me pain medicine of the prescriptive nature. which, i might add, i took with abandon last week when i was off work. and it hasn’t really helped. i mean, i am not rolling around the floor in agony or anything like that, but my right arm is always uncomfortable. if i could get someone to carry my head and arm around for me, i would be ecstatic. and that upsets me, in addition to the 8 pounds i gained like over fucking night last week, is the fact that i am not feeling any better. i can’t say i am worse, and i know my surgeon would express concern if i didn’t immediately alert him if i had any change for the worse in my symptoms, but, jesus. i just cannot believe that given all those chemicals (and i am sure some of you out there would say “aha! chemicals! THATS why you feel crappy!!!!”), i cannot be at the very least TRICKED into feeling better in the short term.
i do not want to be getting 50% pay and then 25% pay during my disabilty term – but PRAISE ALLAH that i have disability insurance. and though there are exercises i can do (need to reaquaint myself to the eliptical starting tomorrow) i want to restart my life ASAP.
i am GOING to run the disney half marathon this january. i am GOING to row again before the season is over. i am NOT going to be thinking and/or worrying about what is hurting me and if it will get worse over the next years of my life.
i had already decided – my 40s are the year of the jock.
and i am the jock. i want to do stuff, get ripped (ok, at least cut for like 2 weeks once). i want abs. and biceps. and that gidget personality of “hey! let’s go play volleyball!!” that i HAVE had all my life but been to hard on myself to let out when i was a teen.
so i am going for it. tentative date – august 11th. one level fusion with instrumentation. anterior approach (i pray). i THINK i can stay 2 nights in the hospital, then i will have to have someone in town cart me home. but i really think i can be home alone after. i can’t drive though. but i will get organized, and where i live, there are a lot of resources nearby. and i do have family and friends that are already offering to pitch in, so, if there were any complications or what not, i have back up. but honestly, i know i can manage this.
am i being to optimistic?