the cinderella complex
i will eat all these words at some point and there will be many many blog posts documenting the messy aftermath.
you know i posted yesterday about “what i believe”. what i didn’t write is what sprang immediately into my mind first thing.
i believe that i will never get married. i believe that i missed any chance i had at a LTR by not :”settling” (sorry any former loves – because i was loving you, but i see now i was utterly immature at the time) and diving in at a time when, well, any time is no guarantee. how do you know if something will work or not? you don’t. an educated guess is good, i think, and i have been head over heels for many boys and had fleeting dreams of weddings and families and the like.
but not for a long time. not really.
so i believe i will never marry and never have children and never have a long term relationship. and i know if you are oprah or something, you are shaking your head now because, girl, if you believe that, and put it out there in words like that, you’re doomed. you are creating that energy and expectation. and, at some level, you get what you ask for.
and yet, i have this…..crush. this crush right now that is completely in an infantile stage and probably completely ridiculous, and yet.
i am day dreaming about weddings. and rings. and public proposals and settling down and in. moving, family budgets and family vacations.
i don’t think i am cut out for this. i haven’t shared a living space with anyone for a meaningful length of time since i was, oh, 18. i am difficult, stubborn and bossy (but in a good way).
what do i do? i think these freaky thoughts will color my interactions with said crush and doom the relationship.
what to do, what to do…. HELP ME!!!!!!!!