lisafarry.com

so.

i need surgery on my neck. and need is a relative term, i realize, there are some who would definitely hold off or try many more conservative treatments to avoid surgery of any kind at any cost. maybe i SHOULD be more stand off-ish about getting it done. or seek a second opinion. or refuse and try something else.

honestly, i feel like it is what has been going on with me. i know there are risks but i also feel extrememly confident about my choice of surgeon. had i just moved out here, not knowing anyone, or had i had this MRI done a year ago and it did indeed indicate that there was some kind of problem, well, then i would have done and tried the more conservative means.

and i feel, actually, like i have tried things. i have been having massage. running to the doctors office. a brief course of muscle relaxers last march. tons of naprosyn, ibuprofen and tylenol. oh, and the course of anti-depressants meds when my upset-edness over my seemingly chronic pain path development and of course, my personal fave, the ben gay patch. and i have tried both limiting and increasing my activity.

and my MRI is crappy. and my discomfort is worse. and i am taking some muscle relaxants currently, continuing tylenol and just completed a steroid dose pack. and my doc did give me pain medicine of the prescriptive nature. which, i might add, i took with abandon last week when i was off work. and it hasn’t really helped. i mean, i am not rolling around the floor in agony or anything like that, but my right arm is always uncomfortable. if i could get someone to carry my head and arm around for me, i would be ecstatic. and that upsets me, in addition to the 8 pounds i gained like over fucking night last week, is the fact that i am not feeling any better. i can’t say i am worse, and i know my surgeon would express concern if i didn’t immediately alert him if i had any change for the worse in my symptoms, but, jesus. i just cannot believe that given all those chemicals (and i am sure some of you out there would say “aha! chemicals! THATS why you feel crappy!!!!”), i cannot be at the very least TRICKED into feeling better in the short term.

i do not want to be getting 50% pay and then 25% pay during my disabilty term - but PRAISE ALLAH that i have disability insurance. and though there are exercises i can do (need to reaquaint myself to the eliptical starting tomorrow) i want to restart my life ASAP.

i am GOING to run the disney half marathon this january. i am GOING to row again before the season is over. i am NOT going to be thinking and/or worrying about what is hurting me and if it will get worse over the next years of my life.

i had already decided - my 40s are the year of the jock.

and i am the jock. i want to do stuff, get ripped (ok, at least cut for like 2 weeks once). i want abs. and biceps. and that gidget personality of “hey! let’s go play volleyball!!” that i HAVE had all my life but been to hard on myself to let out when i was a teen.

so i am going for it. tentative date - august 11th. one level fusion with instrumentation. anterior approach (i pray). i THINK i can stay 2 nights in the hospital, then i will have to have someone in town cart me home. but i really think i can be home alone after. i can’t drive though. but i will get organized, and where i live, there are a lot of resources nearby. and i do have family and friends that are already offering to pitch in, so, if there were any complications or what not, i have back up. but honestly, i know i can manage this.

am i being to optimistic?

i just came across this:

dear (insert your name here) -

i’ve been thinking about you quite a bit lately. usually, when i think of you, it brings a:

a) smile

b) frown

c) an ice pick

to my face. today was no exception. i often think about you, the fun we had together and wonder how you are doing and whether or not

a) you ever think about me

b) your girlfriend has figured out what an ass you are

c) you have gotten out of jail yet.

though things ended badly, i do want to apologize actually. seriously. not for the

a) long crying jag after

b) obsessive emails

c) taking that restraining order on you

but, for the fact that, even though i wish i were cool cucumber girl who never let it show that that anything bothers me, i’m sorry i became sad emo girl. i guess embarrassing myself is part of my process. and thats ok. i wish i weren’t like that, but honestly, i do like me and this is where i am. mostly, i DO want to say i am sorry for the hand i had in the whole demise of the relationship. i AM sorry i didn’t

a) realize there was no way in hell you were in a place to have a relationship of the type we both said we wanted

b) break it off when i knew it wasn’t going to work for me

c) did it with the best man at your wedding.

i jumped the gun, i think, in hopes and expectations. i KNOW i am poor at communicating. i saw the signs and i tossed my heart at you despite the fact that you were

a) not interested

b) engaged

c) gay

anyway. i wish i hadn’t done that and we were still

a) good friends

b) prison pen pals

c) putting one over on the GF.

things are good with me - actually bordering on great - and i just wanted you to know i think of you

a) extremely fondly

b) only when drunk

c) whenever i trip over that ugly wagon wheel coffee table.

i hope this finds you well.

signed,

me

ok. i have been excited for months to go away with my best girl friend and meet up with like minded souls. and i am. but this whole week has kinda freaked me out and, yes, i am freaking right now. and i KNOW in my HEAD it is normal to be where i am at but…

i am having surgery august 11th. i have to be off work for 6 weeks. i can’t drive. until my recovery time is complete, i can not run, row, do any “high” impact exercises and i am on steroids (just a dose pack) but I GAINED 8 POUNDS FROM LAST WEEK.

just typing this makes me cry and freak out. actually, i thought 3 days of the steroids would make my arm not hurt so much (and it isn’t heinous stabbing pain, it is nagging annoying discomfort), but no. i take no pain meds (just ibuprofen/tylenol) during the day and it really is hurting by 6pm. then i take 482 vicodin at night. ok. that is a SLIGHT exaggeration. but still. i NEED to not have this immediately and i NEED to feel better until i go in because elsewise my brain will snap!!!

and i have been looking forward to this weekend for months! MONTHS! i can do this on my own, right? i hate when people help me because sometimes, when you are on your own, sometimes, you can’t help people back when they need it.

FUCK

having a momentary freak out over the whole neck surgery thing. seems to me like doing the first week of september gives me time to mentally prepare for 6 weeks off, round up any elves i might need to give me a hand and allows me to work the current work schedule “as is” and not throw work into slight upheaval as well.

called the surgeons office just to clarify some things (what is the operation i need again? heh. and tell me again what exercise and activity limitations exactly i should be following until surgery). and my surgeon called me back - i really like him! - and the end of his message was that he was sure the dates in september - EARLY september i want to emphasize - will work for his office, but, it is my SPINAL CORD  that is at RISK.

ok. that just sucks, that little emphasis there at the end. i have talked briefly to work, in the business office, and they are extremely supportive, but i just wasn’t prepared for all this and so soon! so i am waiting to hear back from the scheduler to just hear what the earliest appointment is.

OBVIOUSLY, i have been having a lot of pain and discomfort and i do have respect for my health and know that my health is a number one priority. and i guess, the sooner i get it done, the sooner i can resume that activities i enjoy in my personal life as well.

it is sounding like NO running, NO rowing, NO yoga, nothing upper body or head turning. i suggested swimming but even freestyle stroke he didn’t sound thrilled with.  crud.

at this point, again, i am not even thinking about nor concerned with the risks of surgery itself per se, its all the personal life stuff and not working. luckily, i do have health insurance and a great short disability policy that will allow me some income during the 6 weeks i have to be off.

i just was NOT expecting this at all!!! and that damn MRI! did i mention it looked scary to me????!!!! arg!!!!

well, turns out the MRI thingy was a done deal. at least as far as the diagnosis goes. i need surgery, sooner rather than later. crud!

i’m a medical person, but when a doc holds shows you an MRI and YOU can see whats wrong without them pointing at a little speck somewhere, lets just say that sucks. wah wah wahhhh.

my immediate concern is what this is going to do to the rest of my year and my running program. and rowing. and my cruise.

i REALLY wasn’t expecting the news i got. RATS!!! i am a bit discombobulated, but just from the suprise.

probably, when my arms started hurting almost a year ago, was when i injured my neck and that was really apparently the time for the conservative measures approach. my waxing and waning symptoms are somewhat textbook for the herniation and single level spinal cord compression i am apparently experiencing. all easily fixable and i am basically healthy.

i guess there is no good time for unplanned medical semi-emergencies.

monday monday

the clean up crew (me) has completed the many phases of clean up. there seems to be only one actual casualty after saturdays “festivities”. that would be my beloved and neurotically visited scale.

only sunday morning, when i noticed that the LCD viewing area was foggy and wet did it occur to me that running it under water to clean it (i will refrain from saying “rinse off the chunks”) maybe wasn’t good. i removed the batteries and pointed a fan at it all night, and it appeared better this morning. i stuck the batteries in, it did something, then nothing. i have changed the batteries and poked all the buttons in succession, but nothing now. hmmmm. how long can i not have my morning/night obsessive weigh ins and body fat/total body water obsessive comparisons? i don’t know. but, as i9 have mentioned before, someday i will blog more or more clearly about my eating/body image history, but, suffice to say, i want my scale back.

i was able to get an appointment in the office of a surgeon that i know from work (and have a crush on!) (not a real crush, sort of a “i love him” kind of crush). i go tomorrow at 1. probably, its nothing. i am still wavering between it must be really bad because i have been having so much pain and discomfort off and on for so long and it’s nothing because i am whiny and complain-y. i hope there is something to be done that isn’t surgery. like, i want to be validated that i am not “making it up”, but i don’t want anything to be actually wrong.

i got the nike+ thingy to upload. actually, i think i am going to like having something that can do the tedious logging of this running project i am on.

my neck and arm hurt. poo.